The “Hippy” Honeymoon is OVER!

{Yesterday when I started writing this post is was simply called, “The Hippy Honeymoon” (as in my left hip which is recovering from arthroscopic surgery a week ago, not as in peace signs and henna, though I have been bra-less for a week and have been taking some mind-altering meds.) Yesterday this post was called “The Hippy Honeymoon”, but that was before my kids came home from their 4-day weekend with Dustin’s parents on their cattle ranch in Oklahoma. The title has changed just like the energy in my home and in my psyche! Aaaaagh!}

Here’s what I wrote yesterday in the peace and quiet of my childless (and husband-less) home. He had gone to pick them up from his parents and they were on the road all the blissful day-long…

The kids have been gone, and Dustin has been off, which means we’ve had 4 long quiet days and evenings together – as I recover – a “hippy honeymoon” . I’m calling it a “honeymoon” because though we’re not in Hawaii or even Arkansas, this time off together has really been a rare break for us to spend quality time together. Sleeping in, morning coffee while we read in the living room, going on little walks around the neighborhood to get me up and moving on my crutches, going on little outings – to Central Market, to physical therapy then to Hobbytown for a few Christmas gifts, watching “NCIS” (D’s favorite show that he’s gotten me hooked on) and “The Princess Bride” together, even playing a round of Scrabble (it’s been years since we’ve done that!) We commented to each other on one quiet drive, “What did we ever do before we had kids? Why were we ever stressed out?” We had my parents over for dinner one night and enjoyed real uninterrupted grown-up conversation with out the kids around (that hasn’t happened for years either!) Dustin pushed me around in a wheel-chair one lovely fall evening at the Arboretum for “Chihuly Nights”. (As he went “off-roading” with me and nearly threw me out of the chair hitting a bump I realized that this was a lesson in letting go of control. As is this whole experience of being temporarily handi-capped.)

The best part has been the bonding that has happened as Dustin’s cared for me – helping me shower, dress, bringing me medicine, bringing me food, changing my dressing, helping me in and out of cars, asking me if I need anything, making me laugh – giving me loving attention. It is what he promised to do for me…”in sickness and in health”, but has never really had much of a chance. There is something reassuring to have him focus on me, to do things for me resentment-free, cheerfully, lovingly, with total devotion, that brings a new level of appreciation and love to our marriage. It is an important reminder for me that this is who he is – a caring, loving friend and husband. It is who he is even though I don’t often get to see this side of him in relation to me. This is who I married, even when he can’t do these kind of things for me on a daily basis. Even when he’s working long hours, even when we’re not seeing much of him, even when we’ve got crying kids around us and we are feeling the pressures of life, this is who he is. I must remember this even when I’m not getting the love and attention like I am right now. I must not think less of him as a person, husband, or friend in these times, but remember who he really is, and be thankful that I occasionally get to see and experience glimpses of that in my everyday life, and know that we will have a vacation or “stay-cation” again someday (maybe even to Hawaii or Arkansas next time!)

Now, back to that so-called “everyday life” with the kids around. Back to whining, arguing, scolding, pleading, misbehaving, NOISE and MESS in the house! But it’s even harder when they come from the grandparents where they pretty much get their way all the time – no rules, no healthy food, no baths, no bedtime, no naps, no discipline, no “NO”! They always have a great time, and always return home exhausted, dirty, and constipated. But I’m so thankful for the time, so I’ve learned to let go of control on that one…Dustin is on his “vacation”, so he wanted to keep the kids home from school today (NOT my idea…). I kinda thought they would get out of the house, but they ended up staying at home in their pj’s all day which they LOVE! It’s after 7:00pm, and I’ve finally shooed them all out for a brief scooter ride before bed, though I thought we were on our way to another melt-down when Ellie would not put her shoes on and only Daddy could bend over to help her “get started”. They made a coconut cake together, played “Operation” and kitty-cats, colored, painted with water, finger-painted with acrylic paint on the kitchen table (MJ got in trouble for this) and had lots of fun, but it has not really been a restful day for Mommy, except when I’ve locked myself in my room with the earplugs in.

It is so hard to drop something and NOT lean over and pick it up off the floor. It is so hard to see stuff that other people have left on the floor, and NOT lean over and pick it up. I can not climb in bed and snuggle with them, I can not and WILL NEVER AGAIN pick them up! I can not help Ellie get clean underwear on, I can not pick up a fork or napkin that has fallen from the table for them. I can not pick up the toys strewn around the house, or sweep the many crumbs off my kitchen floor. And poor Ellie. It is so hard for her to accept help and directions and discipline from Daddy when I am around, and it’s hard for me to sit back and let things happen without stepping (or hobbling) in. This resulted in tension between me and Dustin, tension in my shoulders and neck, and an awful hour-long crying, screaming tantrum before she finally fell asleep for a nap with her door locked, even after we’d both tried to go in and comfort her. It also resulted in the new parenting agreement between me and Dustin that we will NOT remove Ellie’s 2 best means of comfort as punishment (those key elements that help her escape the fight or flight “trunk” part of her brain), her blankey and paci. (Yes, my 3-year-old daughter still uses a pacifier, but she surely will have dropped the habit by the time she runs for president in 2044.) Like I said, this whole recovery is a lesson in letting go of control and grasping desperately for patience.

But of course, there have been “good things” since the children have returned:

MJ and Ellie have been very kind and helpful – getting and taking my dishes for me, doing more than their share (sometimes) to help, bringing me coffee and water, picking up my crutches for me if they fall down. When I put E to bed last night, she very sleepily and thoughtfully asked me if I needed help with the door. And MJ keeps writing “I love you” messages all over the house for me. Sweet kiddos…So encouraging to see that they have learned some quality empathy along the way, even though I haven’t always shown it to them.
“Hiding” with Ellie last night under a blanket on the couch in the living room for 15 minutes – snuggling and whispering to each other while we waited to be found.
Being entertained for family play by a dinosaur “show” in the living room, complete with an improvised stomping dinosaur duet/ rap, a music box, a blue cardboard box, and a dance.
Sleeping in this morning and waking up to her happy children building a marble tower with Daddy in the play room (and knowing that he will take care of breakfast)
Eating three family meals at the table together in one day (we usually don’t even do this in one week! Thanks to you kind friends who have been bringing us some yummy food!)
Giving thanks at the table for the many kind friends who are bringing us food, and sharing the scripture of the month quote from school, “A friend loves at all times.” (I get to pick these as the chapel teacher, so I always like them.)
Snuggling and reading with the kids on the couch, all the while nervously and carefully protecting my left hip.
Having an excuse NOT to help…

And through it all, I am remembering the “hippy honeymoon” fondly, and looking forward to a few quiet moments with Dustin after the kids fall asleep (that is, if he doesn’t fall asleep with them.) Now I’m trying to decide if I should go with them tomorrow (in a wheel chair) for our “fall family fair day” - D says he can handle it. Or should I send them on their way so I can have another day of peace and quiet?…What is your vote?

Watch the kids sing “Our State Fair” Song last year on the way, (And Ellie singing “BINGO” just to be difficult.)